Latest News Of Kashmir And Daily Newspaper

Divorce: An unethical and acrimonious parting

Dr. Sheikh Arshid

    Marriage may be seen as a contract, a status, or a combination of two opposite sexes.In this matrimonial  contract, if a spouse refuses or shows inability to perform the obligations stipulated in the contract may constitute a ground for divorce. Divorce, is the end of legal marital contract or it is the process of terminating a marriage mutually or forcibly . Divorce usually entails cancelling of the legal responsibilities of marriage and is carried out under the proper islamic rule of law or law of the particular country or state. Divorce requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process, which may involve issues of distribution of property, child custody, parenting time, child support and division of debt.
 A divorce happens after a husband and wife decide not to live together any more and they no longer want to be married to each other.They agree to sign on legal papers that make them each single again and allow them to marry any other if they want so. Often they have spent long time to solve problems before deciding to go for divorce but they are not able to fix the problems and decide to go for divorce. Sometimes in divorce one parent wants to end marriage but other doesn’t want but usually it brings disappointment for both the partners and usually it hurts the kids’ feelings more bitterly. Divorce happens between two parents but it effects the whole family even it marks its effects on the community also. Many kids don’t want to end their parental marriage because they have close attachment with their parents but it happens when their parents are often involved in fighting or inconflicts.Divorce declares that the marriage is treated as null and void with both the partners have  to stop cohabiting.
 Divorce activity vary from country to country, reflecting differing in legal, cultural and religious traditions. In most jurisdictions, the terms of the divorce are usually determined by the courts taking  into account prenuptial agreements or post-nuptial agreements. The effect of a divorce is that both partners are free to marry again if a filing in an appellate court does not overturn the decision. In early times some courts that permitted divorce required proof by only one party that the other party had committed an act incompatible to the marriage and was the only way to terminate a marriage but some courts still demand a solid proof from both partries. The evaluation of divorce may involve allegations or collisions  from both sides proved to be very expensive if it is carried for prolonged duration. It is estimated that most  of divorces are uncontested because  both the parties are able to come to an agreement without any mediator or counsel or lawyer. When the two parties can agree and present the court with a fair and equitable agreement, approval of the divorce is almost guaranteed. If the two parties cannot come to an agreement, they may ask the court to decide how to split property and deal with the custody of their children. If a divorce is carried out through the mediation then the mediator facilitates the discussion between the two parties by assisting them with proper communication and suggestions to help them to resolve differences. At the end of the mediation process, the separating parties have typically develop a tailored divorce agreement to end the marriage. 
Effects of Divorce:Some of the effects of divorce are as:
  1.Threat on parent-child relationship: Divorce which is experienced by a couple can have a negative effect on the parent-child relationship, the children lost parental attachment, suffer bitterly, have less parental care, these children have  minimal life stablity and at times  when they reach at adulthood stage they are prone to involve in juvenile delinquency. Girls and boys deal with divorce differently for instance, girls who initially show signs of adapting well, later suffer from anxiety and fall in romantic relationships with men without eying the bad consequences. Anger and sadness are also observed a common feeling among girls.
 2. Children feel lack of financial support:
Divorce can lead the children towards financial instablity and can have bad consequences on their life.  when they reach to adulthood stage they feel dependent and can be involved in child labour in order to support their life in future.
 3. Children remain educationally backward:      Studies have also shown that divorce has direct effect on education of children, every one has desire of education but lack of parental and financial support don’t help them to fulfill their dream. So they remain educationally backward and have permanent effect on their life. In a review of family, it is noted that  children from a divorced family are two times more likely to drop out of high school than children from a non-divorced family. These children from divorced families may also be less likely to attend college, resulting in the discontinuation of their academic career thus remain educationally backward. 
4. Behavioural change among children:
     After  divorce the children have huge behavioural change as they don’t remain under proper surveillence of parents and have maximum chances to be involved in different antisocial and subversive activities. These  imply negative effects on these children, such as  they do not feel a sense of emotional and guiding support. Conflict between parents is a direct stressor for children and they react to inter-parental conflict with fear, anger, or the inhibition of normal behavior and they feel low self-esteem in the society and thus have negative effect on their behaviour. 5. Psychological disturbance among children:
Divorce is associated with diminished psychological well-being in children and adult offsprings of divorced parents, including greater unhappiness, less satisfaction with life, weaker sense of personal control, anxiety, depression, and less use of mental health services. 
  6. Health issues among children:
   A study says that the children living with just one parent after divorce suffer from more problems such as headaches, stomach aches, feelings of tension,sadness and other related health issues. 
  7. Creating of quarrelsome atmosphere:
Children involved in high-conflict divorce or custody cases can experience varying forms of parental alienation, often in courts it is considered a form of child abuse. Specific examples of parental alienation include brainwashing the children to cease their relationship with the other parent, telling the children that the other parent does not love them, teaching the children to call another adult by a parental name in effort to replace the other parent, limiting communication between the children and the other parent. If evidence reveals that a parent is actively alienating the children from their other parent, their case for custody can be severely damaged and leads to an atmosphere of quarrelsome between two parents.
How to avoid divorce
  1. Idea of Divorce comes from mind,think positively:
 Thinking about the divorce can put a major strain on the relationship and can cause a major break in your motivation to make the marriage better. To combat this risk to your marriage, decide ahead of time that divorce is not an option. Making this commitment will help you to focus on how you can make the marriage better and stronger, rather than thinking about what life might be like outside the marriage.
2. Always appreciate your partner:
You should keep in mind that you have married with a wonderful partner, always think about the qualities of your partner and even make a list of best qualities. This exercise will help you to think that you have chosed right one. It also helps you to vocalize how much you appreciate your partner’s quirks and eccentricities.
3. Bridge communication gap with your partner:
Communicate with your partner openly about your life, interests, dreams, frustrations and feelings is an important way to foster intimacy in a relationship. Likewise, it is crucial that you listen to your partner’s voice with interest. Sometimes it is helpful to set fixed time each day without interruptions where you can talk to your partner freely.
4.Share Financial Expectations:
Many marriages are  full of distraught with disagreements over finances.Often couples bring different expectations about money to a relationship and find it difficult to see the other person’s perspective. Coming to an agreement on how to handle money together is a critical component of successful marriages. Agree on a budget and an approach to debt and then live within your limits.For some, it is important to differentiate between a need and a want. While both are legitimate, couples face problems if they try to fulfill all their wants without considering their budget. Likewise, it is important to incorporate some flexibility in your budget to allow for entertainment, gifts, vacations and other activities that will help to give strength to the marriage.
5. Respect each others idea:
One of the hardest things to balance in a marriage is the accepting each other’s ideas and more important is accepting them as positive ideas. So, when your partner expresses ideas over any issue other partner needs to give them space  without taking them in negative sense so that both the partners will live happily without any scuffle.
6.Help in each others casual affairs: 
It’s easy to indulge in each others routine, casual affairs and other minor activities to negotiate them on spot without keeping them as lingering this way may rekindle romance and love  then you will look more attractive and energized than ever. 
 7.Forgive and forget quickly with spirit:
Often marriages begin to fall apart when one person holds a grudge. As a result, try to forgive your partner as quickly as possible and forget the past complaints and unacceptable situation because holding a grudge takes up mental and emotional space and almost always impacts your health and stress levels.Opt for a forgiving spirit and reap the positive benefits, which range from better sleep to stress relief.
8. Always  cooperate with your Partner : 
Give your spouse room to be the person he or she is and learn to cooperate on partners decisions. In healthy marriages, you must have mutual respect for one another and try to cooperate with your partner on any big decision, if it ranging from spending money to raising children.
9. Try to negotiate effectively:
One of the biggest challenges you’ll face while going through a divorce is making sure you get what you want, need and deserve. In order to prevent divorce, it takes both partners to do the work and put in the time. And while the goal is to save the relationship, ultimately, you have to decide if staying together is the right choice for you. If you’re unsure what to do, talk to loved ones or a therapist who can help you better understand your situation.
10. Liberate emotions which can hurt you:
When we get emotionally hurt, our natural reaction is to get angry.In a divorce, these feelings are perfectly normal and may come from betrayal of trust, broken promises, rejection or fear of an uncertain future. And while anger has its place and can even be healthy, when it gets out of hand, it can cause considerable damage in divorce proceedings. Using the legal process to retaliate against your spouse will invariably leave you and the family resources depleted and will hurt you and your children emotionally and financially. That’s why it’s critical not to let the toxic emotions of divorce cloud your judgment and the ability to make sound decisions necessary to safeguard your financial well-being.
11. Separate Money from emotions:
There’s an inherent danger in taking an emotionally charged topic like money and combining it with an emotionally charged process like divorce is even more dangerous.If you’re not careful with how to handle the money, you can find yourself bankrupted financially and emotionally.By choosing to separate the money from the emotions your life will be free from any conflict and frustration.
Thus the marriage is intended to be bound on love and spiritual attachment between the spouses  and important decisions concerning should be made by mutual consent and try to negotiate all complaints and conflicts on spot without fuelling them more and more.